I was visiting my friend’s house last night to celebrate his birthday with some BBQ and gaming fun times, when i suddenly stumbled across a child’s drawing on a side-table… It was a card, to my friend’s six year old son from the girl next door - a classic set up.

Opening the card and seeing the drawing inside filled me with hope for the new generations, a single flower amongst the wreckage. Also it made me piss myself with extreme lolburgers.

Expect to encounter the following attempt at humour, or a variant thereof, across the internet soon:

I just bought Wii fit, I think I lost weight carrying it home!

*drum sound*

Seriously. Fuck.

An update on the Enemy Crab situation, courtesy of The Sun. They may not be giant, but they are coming to kill everything!

Ice thaw killer crab claw war

CLIMATE change has sent an army of killer marching crabs towards defenceless sea creatures in the Antarctic, scientists said yesterday.

The crabs stayed away for millions of years as the freezing water makes them create toxic magnesium – but it’s warming.

Animals like sea snails, who lost their protective armour after living without predators, stand no chance against their bone-crushing claws. Dr Sven Thatje, of Southampton’s National Oceanography Centre, said: “The crabs are on the doorstep.”

This awesome medal pin is from Supermandolini, and is apparently the first in a run of special medals honouring the veterans of the console wars, and celebrating ‘the memories of endless epic battles, infinite high scores and numerous blistered fingers’. I will wear mine with pride!

… or rather it made me not do it, I think that’s more the point. My rampant addiction to World of Warcraft is most of the reason the writing dried up on this page, but there were reasons I turned to my drug in the first place…. Hmm, where did we leave off? Ah yes, Mario. Here’s what happened to me in the three months since then, fucking hell three months!

Above: art I stole form the excellent Wyndforge site

Shortly after Mario arrived on the scene, the tidal wave of death continued to destroy everything in its path, dropping Mass Effect and GH3 into my lap on the same day. Mass effect, the game I bought my 360 for, the game I pined for, an epic Bioware space RPG! This was going to be awesome!!!!!!!!

After seven hours or so of play I realised something awful: I wasn’t having fun, in fact I was bored shitless and frustrated to boot. I wanted to write something about this experience, I wanted to scream across the internet about why the fuck I had to listen to a conversation, get on a lift, watch a loading screen, have another conversation, and watch a cut scene every time I died on a boss battle, which was a lot. I wanted to ask exactly why the inventory system was so fucking terrible, and hyell about how there was little if no point to being anything other than a soldier… why would I want to be a support class in a single player game ffs? Why would I want to drive aimlessly around a boring planet time after time? I wanted to somehow explain that to me, every single aspect of Mass Effect was actually totally awesome, the setting, the music, the characters and their voices, everything - except the game part. Instead I took solace in Guitar Hero III.

GH3 was awesome, thank god, it helped me forget my disappointment and focus on something fun to do, I also played more Mario in this time, but Mass Effect’s failure had a far more sinister treat in store, it made me crave WoW again. And so, at the start of December I started to play WoW, picking up where I left off, level 63 and on my way up, and just as always happens, nearly everyone I knew also flocked back into Azeroth.

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Errr crap. Brb!

My Wii has finally come out of retirement after an awesome Birthday present from my excellent friend Bob. Yes, lucky me had a Birthday right in the middle of the game Tsunami, which luckily brought me both Mario Galaxy and Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (thanks Ginger!), two games which I feared would have to wait until after Christmas, or at least until after Mass effect (omfg).

Instead though I find myself waving that Wiimote frantically towards my TV once more, and playing an actually good game on the system only one year after I bought it, incredible! I still can’t help but feel that maybe it would be more enjoyable to play without the frequently annoying Wii controls, and that motion sensing wiimote things are not really in any way as good as a normal controller for 3D platformers, (unless you are one of those non-gamer people, pft) but the two player mode luckily makes up for that…

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Earlier today my friend Marek sent me a link to this article on the BBC entitled “Man-sized sea scorpion claw found”, joking about Giant Enemy Scorpions, and having another laugh at Sony’s expense. However, after actually reading the article I stumbled across this stunning paragraph:

The size of the beast suggests that spiders, insects, crabs and similar creatures were much larger in the past than previously thought, the team says.

This has shattered my world. The previously hilarious Giant Enemy Crab meme has been shot to the ground, and Sony finally has their proof that Genji really is historically accurate. They will surely now prepare a PR backlash, and hit the world for Massive Damage. Oh… it just doesn’t have that sting any more :(

[10:55] Spaff: I had a dream yesterday where google started a bank
[10:55] Spaff: google bank
[10:55] Spaff: that would be awesome
[10:55] Spaff: somehow ¬
[10:55] Marek: hahahah
[10:56] Marek: copy paste that and you have a great blog post